John Waller's song 'Hands of the Healer' have gained special meaning to me recently. Everyone remembers the age old joke of the first step to redemption is admitting you have a problem. :) Right now, I am admitting to you, my readers (if I have any), that I am hurting. I am taking this leap of faith and stepping into the hands of the Healer. I believe that I am going through this time in my life because God needs me to trust Him. And I am learning to trust Him, to lean not on my own understanding... But all this is easier said than done. One thing that I deeply struggle with is the verse that says God will give you the desires of your heart. I am being challenged to dive deep into His word and discover more for myself on this part. I am grateful for my friend Charity, who said to me, doubt is only human, the fact that you are working through it is Christian.
I feel I must rediscover my desires and fall into His arms and trust Him fully to take care of me. I know that God will bless me beyond my imagination and that he only has the best for me in mind... note my theme verse of my blog. :) But again, it is easier said than done.
I am broken, disappointed, and confused. I feel that something I have prayed for, desired and truly wanted has passed me by. However, I know that my life is just taking a little detour from what I thought was the plan. Remember, when we make plans, God laughs; for He always has a far greater plan. Somehow, I just got wrapped up in my plans, and I really thought this is what God has planned. But here I am today, in a new world away from my friends and unavoidably single. It is something that I am taking one step at a time... and most people don't even really know what is going on. But, honestly, it's just too hard to talk about it. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about it, run the past three years through my head and question things that happened.
It hurts.. it hurts me to see other receive a gift I so truly desire and thoughts from my childhood creep into my head. I was always told I would be a nun, never get married and dedicate my life to God. I never had a problem with this and was really somewhat fond of the idea until I met Sean. But now, maybe, just maybe, that is God's plan for me. Maybe the gift of marriage is something that I am not meant to receive. And I know, that no matter what, God has a great plan and a life filled with happiness just for me. But for right now, it is hard.
However, I have chosen to take inspiration from my friend Lisa, so that 'While I'm waiting, I will worship..' God has a desire and a plan for me, and I desire to learn more about Him and strengthen my faith and my walk with Him. I wrote in an earlier blog that I trust God so much more now than I ever have. I believe He strengthened my trust for Him to prepare me for this time in life. It will all work out in time. God has also blessed me with Mary Allison, she recently got engaged and her engagement has brought joy back into my heart. God has a plan, and she is part of it, ever time I get down she calls, writes or texts with some amazing wedding ideas or happenings and it just completely lifts my spirits. Mary-Anne also keeps me sane with her crazy happenings and joking manner. Even though I probably haven't kept her informed about this whole situation like I probably should have, she has chosen to stick by me.. like a true friend. For these four girls mentioned, I am truly thankful. Each has helped me in completely unrelated ways and some without even trying.. but God knows what He is doing and He doesn't make mistakes.
I am truly thankful for my friends, who even though they may not understand, they just go along with me and help me through. Thanks for not prying, and thanks for caring. I love each of you.